Through the Dark
by brokenmoonlight
Summary: After running away from home, Vince finds himself caught up in the world of prostitution. But will he ever allow himself to swallow his shame and seek out the one person whom he cherishes above all else?
1. Secret Life

**A/N: Yep, another one from me! Damn overactive imagination. I hope you like it!**

**Warning: Will, in future chapters, contain scenes of a strictly adult nature.**

**Disclaimer: Belongs to Julian and Noel. I just play with it and make them do things the boys have yet too (if ever!).**

**xxxx**

Vince dragged himself through his front door and went straight to the bathroom, placing the plug in the bath and turning on the taps. He added some bubble-bath, then stripped off and sat on the toilet lid as he waited for it to fill. Steam started to rise in comforting tendrils around the room, and Vince could feel himself falling asleep as he watched it twist through the air, enveloping him like a blanket. Tonight had been exhausting, and Vince was sore and wanted nothing more than to slip into bed and sleep for an eternity. But he needed to wash everything away first. The guy, Gerry, had be inexperienced to say the least, but he certainly thought he knew what he was doing. Vince had, a few times, tactfully tried to make things a bit more comfortable for himself, but Gerry had mistaken his squirming for enjoyment, and had pounded into him harder and without grace. Vince had lain there and took it, then listened politely and with fake interest as Gerry complained about work and his wife, before doing the whole thing again. Vince couldn't complain – he was getting paid well for this, and, after all, customer satisfaction _was_ the most important thing in this business.

Bath full, he turned off the taps and slid his weary body into the water. He thought he should be happy, or, more so, grateful, but it was at times like this when he wondered what the hell he was doing. During the day it was easy to pretend that everything was fine, but at night, when it was quiet and Vince was alone, he couldn't help but let his mind drift back to the past. He'd been happy then, hadn't he? Seemingly, yes, but in actual fact every day Vince had woken up, his heart had broken a little bit more, and this had come out as spite and bitchiness towards his best friend, leaving their relationship in near tatters until one day, Vince decided he couldn't take it anymore, so he packed what he could and left, fleeing like a coward in the middle of the night when everyone would be none the wiser until the morning, and by then he would be long gone. Only, Vince hadn't gotten very far at all. In the end, he couldn't bear to leave London, and he'd ended up in a bar in Soho. From there his life had turned into one giant rollarcoaster ride. He'd met his madam, Katherine, in that bar. She'd approached him with a business card and a seductive smile, and after Vince had spent the week unsuccessfully looking for work, broke and miserable after ending up in an area where no one knew him, he'd ended up dialling Katherine's number; he'd been desperate. It was safe – well, as much as it was possible to be safe when you were living the life of a prostitute – and all the clients were wealthy men and women looking to spice up their sex lives. Vince was never out parading himself on the streets. He had an appointment book and a list of things he would and wouldn't do, and Katherine never sent him anyone who she thought was dodgy, although, unfortunately, one or two had slipped through. Katherine had thought Vince was beautiful and innocent looking, and this had certainly made him a hit with both sexes – he had a long list of regulars.

Vince sunk down lower into the hot water and sighed as it worked at his tired muscles. He wondered what Howard would think of him if he knew. He'd be disgusted, he was certain. Vince wouldn't blame him; he too felt disgust and shame at what he had become, although he'd long since learned to numb those feelings. And even thinking that made him feel bad, because the girls and young men Katherine hired were all lovely. He'd even been living with one of the girls, Lottie, for the past year. Their flat in Kensington was large and sophisticated with expensive furniture and wooden floors and sumptuous décor. Even so, Vince missed the cosiness of the Dalston flat he'd left behind. He missed the roaring fires Howard would light in the little fireplace in the winter, and the way he would sometimes make him pancakes for breakfast and draw smiley faces on them with chocolate sauce, just to get the day off to a good start between them. And that was what made him feel the most ashamed; the fact that Howard was doing things like that not just because he wanted to be nice, but because he didn't want any arguments between them. He had wanted his life, for one day, at least, to be a little bit kinder to him. For that, Vince hated himself more than anything. He could sleep with every person on the face of the earth, but that would be nothing to the shame he felt over the way he'd treated his supposed best friend. He'd been thinking about Howard a lot lately. It had been almost a year and a half since he'd last seen him, and he missed him more with each passing day.

But he never had the courage to go back.

Vince dunked his head under the water, floating just under the surface for a few seconds before popping up again. He wiped the water from his eyes and decided he could do with a little more hot water. Using his foot to turn the tap, he relaxed back and breathed deeply as he felt the water slowly heating up around his body. Before he could make himself more melancholy, however, a knock at the bathroom startled him out of his reverie.

"Come in!"

The door opened, letting in a blast of cold air, making goose-bumps appear on Vince's exposed areas of skin. He moved his arm off the side of the bath and let it drop into the hot water. "All right, Lottie?"

Lottie smiled at him, closing the door behind her and sitting herself on the toilet lid. Her curled hair had come loose and was looking slightly limp, and her usually sparkling large browns eyes were looking dull and tired; but she was still beautiful. "Mmm. Just had a very interesting evening at The Ritz. Champagne cocktails in the bar with a very wealthy stockbroker, followed by me placing a saddle on him and riding him like a horse. A grand for four hours work – not bad. He even got his driver to drop me home in his limo."

Vince grinned. "Sounds like you had a better evening than I did," he said, letting his eyes close.

Lottie rolled her eyes. "Right – you had Gerry, didn't you?"

"More like Gerry had me," Vince snorted, blowing bubbles away from his face. "I don't think he's done that before, you know. How was he with you?"

"Clumsy," Lottie replied, without missing a beat. "But then, we're not paid to enjoy ourselves."

"Tell me about it."

Lottie stared at him a moment, thinking. She tossed her long, dark hair over her shoulder and then chewed at her lip. "What's wrong, honey?"

Vince cracked an eye. "Nothing, I'm just tired."

"Liar. Come on, tell me."

Vince sighed, and, opening his eyes, pushed himself upright in the bath. "I was just thinking about..."

"Howard?"

Vince hung his head slightly, not wanting to meet her gaze. "Yeah." He picked up a flannel and started to rub at his skin. Lottie knew all about Howard and why Vince had left him – she'd tried to persuade him to go back often enough.

"Vince -"

"Don't, please." Vince finished with the flannel and then stood up, holding his hand out for a towel - he and Lottie were perfectly comfortable being naked in front of each other.

"What about your hair?"

"I'll do it in the morning."

"Vince, don't be like this," Lottie said, handing him a large towel from the rack.

Vince sighed. "I'm sorry, darlin'. I'm just tired." He wrapped himself up and stepped out of the tub, his feet landing on the soft bath mat. He leant over and pulled the plug, then kissed Lottie on her forehead. "I'm gonna get ready for bed."

Lottie smiled softly at him. "You got anything on tomorrow?"

"Lunch time appointment at The Dorchester. You?"

"Lunch here, with a doctor with a schoolgirl fetish."

"Aw, that's always a cute look on you."

"Piss off."

Vince laughed. "Night, Lotts."

"Night, babes."

Vince padded away from the bathroom towards his bedroom, hearing the bath being rinsed and then re-filled behind him. Upon seeing his bed he almost didn't have enough energy left to dry his hair and take off his make-up, and its softness tempted him until he'd finally finished and all but fell onto it, instantly falling asleep on top of the red, satin sheets, images of a certain Northerner haunting his dreams.


	2. Working Boy

**A/N: This chapter does contain sex and spanking, but it's nothing too graphic. I've also stolen a certain person's name to use as Vince's working name. I'm sure he won't mind...**

**xxxx**

Vince slipped off his leopard print coat and hung it on the back of a chair. He smiled seductively and stepped forward, placing a hand at the back of his client's head and pulling her in for a sensual kiss - emotionless, on his part, but to her it was passionate and burning. His mouth vibrated slightly as she let out a small moan, and then he pulled away and led her over to the bed, all the while keeping his eyes locked on hers. He sometimes wondered why women chose him over the other men Katherine employed. He'd assumed, at first, that his clientele would be mostly male, but it seemed that not all women wanted a hunk in their bed, and it soon became obvious that sleeping with slim, pretty boys was quite a popular choice, especially boys like Vince, who had big eyes and an air of innocence which could quickly turn wickedly seductive. That, and he had a reputation for being exceptionally good at his job.

The woman, Sarah, looked at him slightly nervously. She'd informed Vince that she'd never done this sort of thing before, and she'd needed something to satisfy her cravings since her husband had left her. Vince ran his hand down her cheek comfortingly.

"Don't be nervous. This is about what _you _want. I'm your personal slave. Let me know what you want, and I'll obey. All in your own time, as slow as you like."

Sarah smiled and visibly relaxed. "I don't know... I mean, do what you like. I'll let you know if..."

Vince nodded, and bent his head for another kiss, his lips pressing softly against Sarah's as his hands went to the buttons on her blouse, popping them open expertly. He slipped it off her shoulders and kissed down her neck, his hands running over her breasts, the lace of her black bra scratching at his hands slightly. Sarah quivered beneath his touch, her breath catching as Vince undid her bra and let it drop to the floor, kissing lower until he had one of her nipples in his mouth. She gasped, her hands grabbing at Vince's shoulders. Vince's hands moved to the zip on the back on her skirt and he pulled it down, letting the skirt fall and pool around her ankles. Women like this, he thought, as he bent down and took the waistband of her knickers in his teeth and pulled downwards, his hands running over her hips and down her thighs, just want to be worshipped. He slowly kissed his way back up her body, his mouth settling on her lips again. He wasn't too bothered about kissing women, but with men he tried to avoid it if possible. Even though he'd never told Howard how he'd felt, it still made Vince feel like he was cheating on him. With women, it was easier to detach himself from that more intimate side of things. Vince used to think it was weird how prostitutes regarded kissing on the mouth as more intimate than sex, but now he understood completely.

"Okay?" he asked, seeing the slightly glazed look in Sarah's eyes.

She grinned. "Oh, yes."

Pleased, Vince pushed her gently down onto the bed, her eyes focussed on his body as he stripped for her, revealing his milky skin, which gleamed in the sunlight coming through the window of the hotel room. Vince wondered briefly if he should draw the curtains, but there was no immediate view for anyone, so he left them. Walking over to where his bag lay on the table by the door, he took out a condom and went back over to the bed.

"You know, you're a very beautiful woman. Your husband must have been mad to leave you."

Sarah blushed slightly and held a hand out to him, pulling him to the bed. "What about you, Noel? Anyone special in your life?"

Vince shook his head, trying to look neutral. "Not at the moment."

"A pretty boy like you is bound to get snapped up sooner or later."

Vince smiled. "Perhaps."

"Your name – it's French, isn't it? My grandfather was French."

"Yes, it is," he replied. When choosing his working name, Vince had wanted something that sounded sexy and confident. In the end, the name 'Noel' had been Lottie's idea, and he'd loved it, but decided he'd stick with its English pronunciation rather than the French.

"Sorry, I talk too much when I'm nervous."

Vince smiled at her kindly and moved over her. He was used to anxious clients, and he felt a bit sorry for Sarah. She seemed nice and was quite pretty, and he thought it was a shame that a horrible break-up and the loss of her self-esteem had brought her to him. He was sure that if she sorted herself out she'd be fighting guys off with a stick. "Well, lets try and relax you then, shall we?"

Minutes later Sarah was writhing against his hand, the noises she was making becoming louder the more she let herself go. Vince ravished her, and when he thought she was ready, removed his hand and positioned himself over the top of her. He reached for his cock, about to make himself hard, but Sarah put her hand out and stopped him. She regarded him for a moment, and Vince thought she was going to lose her nerve, but in the end she moved from under him and pinned him down, straddling him. Well, Vince didn't mind admitting that in these situations, he had to ability to bring even the shyest person out of their shell.

"Do you mind?"

"Not at all." After all, if she was on top, it was less work for Vince. He felt a warm hand tentatively wrap around his cock, a hand which moved with more assurance the harder Vince got. And when, a short while later, she was bouncing up and down on top of him with her head thrown back, eyes closed, her hair sticking to her flushed face, Vince, whose hands were automatically running over her thighs and digging gently into her flesh, stared up at the ceiling and thought about where he was going to go for dinner that night, all the while looking and sounding like he was enjoying himself immensely. Maybe, he thought, he should take up acting.

xxxx

By the time Vince had showered and wandered back into the hotel room, Sarah was gone. On the bed, written on the hotel's writing paper, was a note.

_Noel._

_I really feel like I can put myself back out there now. Your advice afterwards really made me see things from a different perspective._

_Thank you for a very pleasurable lunch!_

_Sarah x_

Vince smiled, happy to have helped her. He got dressed, and as he went to grab his money off the side-table and leave, he noticed that there was an extra fifty pounds lying next to the pile of notes already there.

xxxx

Vince pulled his coat tighter around him. It was freezing, and he hurried down the steps to the Tube, grateful for once that it was warm down there. Upon leaving the hotel, his work mobile had rung loudly from inside his bag, and Katherine had quickly sweet talking him into taking a last minute appointment. Vince had reluctantly agreed, as long as they came to the flat. Now, he was rushing home, the London traffic putting him off taking a taxi. It would have taken an age to get back, and the underground wasn't too packed at this time of day.

By the time he arrived back at the flat, he had about half an hour to sort himself out. Lottie had left him a note to say she'd gone shopping and to join her if he could, and for a moment he thought about cancelling the appointment and running off to buy some new shoes to cheer himself up. But he couldn't do that to Katherine after he'd only just agreed, and the appointment was with one of his regulars, and he didn't want to disappoint him.

The regular happened to be a bank manager called Roger, who loved nothing more than being tied up and spanked. Vince re-did his make-up, then got changed into a tiny pair of tight, black leather shorts and set about rooting through his box of tricks, pulling out a wooden paddle and some rope. He perched an army hat at a jaunty angle on his head, quickly changed the sheets on his bed, then allowed himself to sit down for a bit, thankful that the heating was on because he was pretty sure it wouldn't look too attractive if Roger turned up to find him shivering and hugging himself.

After a minute or two there was a knock at the door. Vince opened it with a flourish, a beaming smile plastered over his face.

"Roger! Always happy to see my favourite client."

"Thanks for doing this, Noel. Sorry it was short notice. I haven't ruined your day, have I?"

"Nope, I'm as free as a bird."

Roger smiled, and then noticed what Vince was wearing and his gaze became something a lot darker. He stepped toward him and ran a hand down Vince's arm, taking his hand. "Shall we?"

xxxx

"Oh, oh, God! Yes!" Roger came rather spectacularly as Vince slapped his backside hard with the paddle one last time, and his wrists, which had been straining against the rope which was tying them to the headboard, went limp as he fought to regain control of his breathing. Vince untied him, and Roger's arms fell to the bed. He stayed on all fours for second, then delicately moved to stand, stretching himself out. He breathed out heavily, a satisfied noise escaping his lips. "You have no idea how much better I feel. Thanks, Noel."

Vince grinned at him, secretly hoping he'd hurry up and leave so he could make a cup of tea and curl up on the sofa. Luckily, he did, and soon Vince was lazing sleepily, his hand idly dumping biscuits into his tea and bringing them up to his mouth as he stared at the TV screen. He supposed he should get some sleep for a bit. He and Lottie were having dinner at a place called Café Retro, but as it was a Friday they usually ended up at a club somewhere, dancing away until the early hours. Placing his now empty mug on the floor, he pulled down the throw from the back of the sofa and snuggled into it, yawning and closing his eyes. As he drifted off to sleep, he thought that maybe he should take a break for a bit, go on holiday and spend the days on the beach and the nights dancing and drinking cocktails. Lottie had mentioned a little while ago that she wanted to go to Egypt. Maybe they could go together.


	3. Revelations

**A/N: Thanks for all your great reviews! Howard will make an appearance soon, I promise. I'm building up to it!**

**xxxx**

A few weeks later, when the first snow of December began to fall, Vince decided to take a few days off. He and Lottie had booked their holiday to Egypt after much excitement, along with a few others from the agency, but it wasn't until the end of January, and he needed some time before then just to breathe and be himself for a while. Wrapped up in his warmest coat, he set off into the cold, gloved hands shoved deep into his pockets, his bag swinging round his wrist. All about him people were scurrying about, their breath leaving icy clouds in the air as they went about their business. It reminded Vince of when he was a child – he'd pop one of those cigarette sweets into his mouth, holding it between his fingers and blowing air out of his mouth as he pulled it away, pretending that his frosty breath was smoke.

After spending a while on various tube trains, Vince found himself in Dalston. He hadn't made a conscious decision to go there. It had been like when you know somewhere off by heart and don't really need to look where you're going to get to where you need to be; the timing and familiarity of surroundings doing it all for you. He was a bit shocked when he found himself standing outside the overground station at Dalston Kingsland, then found himself wondering why it hadn't happened sooner. Looking down the familiar street, his legs led him along the pavement before he'd even had time to decide what to do, and about ten minutes later, he found himself standing on the corner of his old road, the Nabootique just visible. Mouth going dry, and trembling from more than just the cold, Vince moved from foot to foot in an effort to keep himself warm while he decided what to do. He wanted to see Howard more than anything, but what would he say to him? Would Howard even want to see him? Would he be angry at him and start shouting, or would he just be disappointed? And would Vince be able to tell him about what he'd been doing? Vince sighed. He couldn't do it. As much as it pained him, he couldn't go back to the heartache of unrequited love. And he was pretty sure that even if, by some miracle, Howard _had _loved him, he was pretty sure he wouldn't want to be with someone who'd been selling their body for money, no matter how high-class he was. Vince wouldn't lie to him – he'd tell him. Howard would deserve to know, but Vince knew it would disgust him. Wouldn't it? Vince shook his head, and threw one last longing gaze towards the shop before regretfully turning on his heel and heading back towards the station. He'd only gone a few paces when he felt a tap on his back. Startled, he spun round, his breath catching in his throat as he saw Naboo standing there, arms folded across his chest and looking mildly pissed off. Not knowing what to do, let alone being able to remember how to work his mouth, Vince attempted to smile nervously, but all this did was make Naboo glare at him. Okay, so maybe he was more than just mildly pissed off.

"Where the hell have you been?!"

Vince took a step back. Naboo may have been tiny, but his anger made up for what he lacked in size. Unsticking his tongue from the roof of his mouth, Vince licked his lips. "I..."

"We looked everywhere for you – _everywhere! _Howard was devastated. I know you've both had your ups and downs, but leaving like that was low even for you. For the first time ever, I didn't even want to _try _and defend you. Even Bollo was fuming. Everything we've done for you, and all you could do was leave a lousy note?! 'I had to get out and move on. Take care of yourselves. I'm sorry.' I mean, what was that? Is that all we were worth? And what about Howard? He was supposed to be your best friend, and you didn't even say good-bye to him. The least he deserved was a mention of his name. You complete wanker. You..." Naboo trailed off when he saw Vince tremble, his eyes brimming with tears. He took a breath to calm himself, and lowered his voice. "Why did you do it?"

"I..." Vince's voice cracked, and the tears started to roll down his frozen cheeks. "I'm so sorry. I couldn't... I couldn't carry on."

Naboo studied him for a moment, obviously trying to work him out. "Carry on with what?"

"H-Howard and me. I was... I just couldn't tell him. I mean, he'd never feel that way about me. I didn't know what to do. And how I behaved because of it - I couldn't live with that anymore. I was scared I wouldn't be able to stop unless he... but he doesn't. He didn't. So I had to go before I hurt him even more."

Naboo shook his head. "You idiot. Did you seriously think that by leaving you would stop hurting him?"

"I-I thought he hated me."

"Vince, if he hated you, then he wouldn't have spent weeks crying over the fact that you'd left him. He tried to hide it, of course, but we could hear him at night. He looked like hell. He didn't sleep, he didn't eat. And then the tears ran out and the anger came, and then in the end, after looking for months and not finding you, he just gave up."

Vince eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "You mean he -"

"Don't be a ballbag," Naboo snapped, cutting him off. "I meant he gave _you _up. He didn't want to, but he had to. Now he's living his life again."

Vince hung his head and studied his feet, sniffing. "Don't tell him you saw me. I don't want to -"

"What? Upset him? I wouldn't worry about that. He doesn't live here anymore."

"What?" Vince asked, his head snapping back up, a frown on his face.

"He moved back to Leeds about ten months ago. Fresh start and all that. Too many memories, he said. I couldn't blame him. He calls occasionally. He's doing really well – he's the manager of a music shop and he's got his own place. Actually, you probably did him a favour."

Vince let out a sob, a hand flying his mouth to stifle the noise. Howard was gone. He really would never see him again. But he was better off, and Vince could never deny him that. Howard deserved to be happy. He deserved to be successful.

"You're in love with him."

Vince looked at the tiny shaman. "What?"

"It's written all over your face. Maybe if you'd just told him instead of pushing him away... Still, too late now."

"If I'd told him he'd never have spoken to me again."

Naboo raised his eyebrows knowingly. "You might have been surprised."

"That's not funny, Naboo."

"I'm being deadly serious."

Vince stared at him. In that moment, he had no idea what to say or what to do. He knew he had no reason to doubt Naboo's words, but he still couldn't bring himself to believe they were true. He felt sick, and even though he was standing still, he stumbled slightly. "I – I have to go."

"I know what you've been doing."

Vince, about to turn on his heel and walk away, froze. "What?"

Naboo stepped forward, face set to neutral. "A few months after you left, I went to meet an acquaintance in Covent Garden and saw you walking out of a hotel. I went after you, but when you stopped and started talking on your phone, I overheard you telling someone, who I later assumed was your 'madam', that she was never, ever to send that bastard of a man to you again, and if you ever saw him again, you'd cut his cock off. The way you were dressed kind of gave it away, too."

All the colour that was left in Vince's face drained away. Naboo knew? Surely that didn't mean... "Please tell me you didn't tell Howard." The question came out desperately, and he knew it, but if Howard had found out when he hadn't even been there to explain it, then God knew what he thought of him now.

Naboo said nothing for what felt like an age, obviously keeping Vince in suspense on purpose, then, when Vince looked like he was about to collapse, finally opened his mouth and said, "How could I? Don't worry. He has no idea I even saw you."

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me. I didn't do it for you."

"No, I didn't -"

"Take care, Vince. And for God's sake, be careful." With that, Naboo turned and walked back towards the shop.

Fresh tears rolled down Vince's face, and he rushed off back towards the station, nearly tripping over his own feet as he shook and reached into his bag, pulling out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. Smoking hadn't become a bad habit, but he had taken to smoking the odd cigarette when he was stressed. He put it between his lips and lit the end with shaking hands, taking a deep drag. His chest felt tight and his stomach was knotted, and he had to suppress the urge to be sick. It hurt. It hurt that he'd ever left, it hurt that Howard had gone back to Leeds – everything was just pain.

He didn't know how he'd ever recover.

xxxx

"He's gone!"

Lottie, who was sitting on the floor by the fire and flicking through a copy of Cosmopolitan, looked up, only to be met with Vince's tear-stained face, his eyes red and nose running. She was on her feet in an instant, running over to him and pulling him into a hug. Vince hiccupped and buried his head in her shoulder.

"Jesus, you're freezing. Come and sit down and I'll make you some tea." Lottie led him over to the sofa and then scurried off to the kitchen. Vince reached over to a box of tissues on the coffee table and pulled one out, wiping his face and his nose. He sniffed and took a deep breath, the shrugged his coat off and lay back on the sofa, curling into a ball. When Lottie came back in, she placed a steaming mug on the table, pulled the throw over Vince, and sat back down on the floor near his head, taking his hand. She didn't need to ask who he was talking about. "What happened?"

It took Vince a while to fill her in, in-between his sobbing and drinking his tea, but when he'd finally got everything out, Lottie stood up and started pacing about.

"You have to go to Leeds!"

"What?"

"You have to go and find Howard!"

Vince sat himself up, pulling the throw more tightly around him. "You're insane."

"Oh, for goodness sake! Vince! You love him. And, by the sounds of it, there's every chance he feels the same way. Go to him!"

"I can't! Have you not been listening? Lottie, I'm not part of his world anymore. No matter how he feels about me, he won't want to know me when I tell him I have sex for a living. And no," Vince said, putting a hand up to silence Lottie when she opened her mouth, "I can't just not tell him. I'm not going to lie to him, not anymore. I can't just come back into his life and disappoint him again. What would be the point? He's moved on. I'm not going to ruin that."

"And what about you? What about what you want?"

"I want Howard to be happy."

Lottie sighed and flopped down next to him. "How do you know he is?"

"Naboo said -"

"Forget what Naboo said. Is he inside Howard's head? No. Howard might have a good job and his own place, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't miss you. It's easy to make people think that you're fine when you only speak to them on the phone. And if you mean that much to him, then it won't matter what you've been doing. Yeah, he'll probably be upset at first, but if he really loves you, he'll get over it. Just think about it."

Vince shook his head. "No. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know you mean well, but I just can't risk it. I can't risk losing him again. When I first left, it felt like I was dying. I can't go through that again."

Lottie was about to reply, but the door bell rang, and a look of panic crossed her pretty face. "Shit! My two o'clock! I'll get rid of him, I'll think of something. It's only Tim, he'll understand."

"No," Vince said, getting up. "Don't do that. I'll go to my room, sort out my wardrobe or something." He smiled weakly. "Besides, you're the highlight of his week."

"Sorry, honey. We'll do something later, yeah?" She kissed Vince's cheek, then ran over to the mirror and checked her reflection. She quickly stripped off her jeans and t-shirt, revealing a set of silky black underwear, and flung them at Vince, who caught them and laughed as he disappeared to his room, laughter which died on his lips as soon as he closed his door and his eyes landed on a picture on his bedside table. Putting Lottie's clothes on the chair in the corner of the room, he sat down on the edge of his bed and picked up the frame. In his hurry to leave last year, he hadn't been able to take much, but he'd grabbed what was most important, and contrary to popular belief, it wasn't his straighteners or his clothes that were top of the list, but a photo of him and Howard on a day out at Brighton beach, from a time when things had been a lot happier. Howard had his arm around Vince's shoulders, Vince's around Howard's waist, and they were both smiling brightly for the camera, the ice-creams they were holding in their free hands melting in the sun and dripping over their fingers. That was Vince's favourite photo, but he also had an album full of pictures, which he kept in the drawer of his dressing table. But he wouldn't get that out now. Instead, he propped himself up against his pillows and pulled his knees up, resting the frame on top of them. He stared at the photo, lost in his thoughts, and it helped to block out the noises that started to filter through from Lottie's bedroom, moans and gasps not even registering in his head as he concentrated on Howard's face.


	4. Attacked

**A/N: Grrr, FF is having problems sending e-mails again. I only found out I had reviews because I checked on the site! And thank you for those. I forgot to say before, but I was quite happy that the story has been reminding some of you of Secret Diary of a Call Girl! It wasn't actually my intention, but I love that show, so thanks!**

**Warning: This chapter contains attempted rape, but it's not graphic. It's still quite horrible though.**

**xxxx**

A week later, Vince, who had tried to put his meeting with Naboo, and, consequently, the news of Howard's departure, behind him, was standing in a hotel room in Mayfair, stark naked and looking into the eyes of man with neatly gelled blond hair, who was wrapped in one of the hotel's soft fluffy robes. The man put a hand to Vince's face and trailed his fingers over his high cheekbone and down his faintly blushed cheek.

"So exquisite," the man said, stepping closer to Vince.

Vince smiled and took hold of the man's hand, pulling it away from his face. "So, where do you want me?" he said, voice low and tempting. The man leant in, attempting to pull Vince into a kiss, but Vince pulled away, playfully admonishing him. "Uh-uh. I don't kiss. But, there is plenty of other stuff I can do. Take your pick. I've been told I'm quite handy with my mouth."

The man grinned, and leaned in again. "Your pretty mouth is what I want, but I want it on mine."

Vince tilted his head, his voice level. "I told you, I don't kiss."

"Surely you can afford me just a small one? Make an exception for me? If I remember rightly, I am paying you rather well for tonight."

"Well," Vince said, getting slightly annoyed but trying not to let it show. "You knew before you came here what I would and wouldn't do."

"I know. But I couldn't resist you. Thought maybe I could change your mind." The man put his hand behind Vince's neck and brought their lips together roughly. Vince gasped and pushed him backwards.

"Fuck! I told you, no! Don't you understand the meaning of the word?" Vince stormed over to where his clothes were and started to get dressed.

"Hey, look, I'm sorry," the man said, walking over to him and placing his hand on Vince's pale shoulder. "Don't leave, please. I didn't mean too, it's just... Well, you're irresistible."

Vince stilled, then sighed. "okay," he said, turning round and fixing his client with a warning stare. "But you'd better behave yourself."

"I promise. Look, why don't I run you a bath; let me rub you down. I'd like that."

"Sure."

The man smiled and walked off into the bathroom. Vince watched him go, then sat on the bed and flicked through a magazine that was on the bedside table. It was boring really, just advertising stuff in the hotel and giving advice on things to see and do in the city, but it helped to relax him a bit. He heard the water splashing down into the bath, the thudding sound lessening as the tub filled. Having someone wanting to bath him wasn't the strangest request he'd ever had, nor was it a new one, but at this moment in time he was so tired that he was afraid he'd simply fall asleep as soon as he hit the water. "Mark?"

The man, Mark, stuck his head round the bathroom door. Vince smiled at him prettily. "Bubbles?"

"As you wish."

Five minutes later, Vince was submerged in the deliciously warm water. Mark was squeezing water over his back with a sponge and then rubbing at his skin gently, little circles moving up to his shoulders.

"So, where does that come from, the whole 'no kissing' thing?"

Vince, knowing Mark couldn't see his face, rolled his eyes. "It's too intimate."

Mark snorted. "More intimate than sex? How so?"

No one had ever asked him that before, and Vince really didn't know how to explain it. "It just is."

Now Mark was laughing as if that was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard.

"Kissing's more personal."

"Yeah, but how?"

Vince turned round, the movement splashing water up the sides of the bath. "Let's just leave it, yeah?"

"If it's a question of money, then I'll pay more."

"What?! No, it's got nothing to do with money!"

"Of course it has. You're a whore. Everything has to do with money." Mark had stopped laughing, his face set in an expression that Vince really wasn't comfortable with. It looked like he was about to turn very unpleasant. "I'll give you an extra hundred."

"No." Vince felt anger bubbling up inside him, and he moved to get out of the bath, but Mark put a hand on his shoulder and shoved him back down. Vince slipped and hit the bottom with a bump. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

Mark said nothing, but he held Vince tight and forced himself on him, his tongue pushing its way into Vince's mouth. Outraged, Vince did the only thing he could think of, which was to bite down on it.

Mark roared in pain, and smacked Vince round the face, the force knocking him backwards. "You little bitch!"

"I told you!" Vince scrambled up, but was again shoved back down, but this time Mark had his hands around his neck and was pushing him under the water. Vince panicked and struggled against him. His eyes went wide and he tried to scream, but all that did was send water cascading into his mouth and down his throat. He twisted violently, his thrashing forcing the water upwards and onto the bathroom floor. Finally, Mark let him back up, and Vince coughed horribly, the hacking sound echoing around the room. Water came back up his throat and spilt down his chin, the taste of soap making him retch.

"You going to do as you're told, or do you need a little more persuading?"

"Let me go," Vince rasped, his throat sore and his eyes stinging.

Mark smiled sadistically. "And why would I want to do that? I've paid for my whore, and now I'm going to use him any way I see fit."

Vince was pulled out of the bath carelessly and dragged by his hair into the bedroom. "Let me go, or I'll scream!"

"No, you won't." Mark pushed his hand over Vince's mouth so hard that his teeth were digging painfully into his lips. He cried out, voice muffled, and was then pushed forwards onto the bed.

"If you scream, I'll kill you. Do you understand?"

"Please, I won't tell anyone, just please let me go!" Vince, now in tears and shivering from being wet and cold, tried to get up off the bed, but he was held down by strong hands. Still, he kept struggling, because there was no way he was giving up without a fight. He kicked out behind him, catching Mark in the chest. Mark cried out in pain, his hands going slack for the briefest of moments, but it was enough for Vince to free himself and slide off of the bed. He ran towards the door, not caring if he had to run out naked, but Mark was quicker, and he grabbed him and shoved him angrily against the wall. With one hand, he pulled off his dressing gown and pressed his naked body into Vince's, rubbing against him. Vince squirmed, tears spilling down his cheeks, and he pleaded with Mark to stop before he felt the man's erection press against him. That set something alight inside of Vince, and with a renewed energy, and a determination to protect himself at any cost, he reached out to the side, his fingers brushing against a vase sitting on a small table. Stretching as much as he could, and knowing he had barely seconds before Mark forced himself into him, his fingers finally curled around the rim, and he picked it up and flung it behind him with such force that the whole thing shattered as it connected with Mark's head. It knocked him out instantly, and he fell to the floor, hitting it with a loud thud. Shaking so much he could barely stand, Vince stumbled over to his bag and pulled out his phone, his fingers trembling as he pushed down the speed-dial button for his and Lottie's home number.

"_Hello?"_

"Lottie!"

"_Hi sweetie. You'll have to make it quick I'm afraid – I'm meeting a client in Notting Hill and I'm running late. I thought you were working, too?"_

Vince couldn't say anything, so he just sobbed, his whole body shaking violently.

Lottie didn't need anything else.

xxxx

Hours later, and Vince was safely back at home. The police station had been an awful experience. They'd been nice enough, but they'd asked him so many questions, and, tired and upset, all he'd wanted to do was hide away and cry until he'd completely dried up and shrivelled away. Mark had been taken to hospital and was charged as soon as he'd woken up, and that was the only thing that had made Vince feel slightly better, that hopefully Mark wouldn't have the chance to attack anyone else.

"Vince?"

Vince looked up from where he was watching the snow fall outside his bedroom window. He was sitting on the ledge, window cracked open slightly to let out the smoke from the cigarette he was puffing on, blanket pulled around him to stop him from freezing. Lottie went over and sat down opposite him, watching the smoke waft lazily out of the small gap and into the night air.

"How are you doing?"

Vince sighed heavily, his eyes watering. "This must be what karma feels like."

Lottie looked horrified. "Don't say that! Vince, no matter what you did before, no one deserves what that bastard did and tried to do to you. That is not karma. That's evil."

"I should have known. I should have known when he kept trying to kiss me the first time. I'm so stupid!"

"No, Vince -"

"I can't do it anymore," he said, quietly, sniffing as his nose started to run. "I'm quitting."

Lottie scooted forward and pulled him into a hug, and he promptly burst into tears. "Hey, it's okay," she said, soothingly, rubbing his back. "Whatever you want to do, I'll always be here for you."

"I-I want Howard! I want him here, now. I just want him to hold me!" he sobbed, hiccupping and grasping Lottie tightly.

"I know, baby, I know. God, look at you. Vince, we have to go to Leeds. Please. I know you're scared, and if Howard gets freaked out, I'll talk to him. But you have to at least try. You _need_ him."

"I c-can't!"

"You can." Lottie took Vince's cigarette from between his fingers and stubbed it out in the ashtray sitting between them before the long line of ash that had formed fell to the floor. "You have too. I've never seen anyone so lovelorn before. It's breaking my heart. Please, sweetheart. For me?"

"He won't want me, not now."

"You don't know that! Look, what we do – I know it sounds bad when you have to tell people, but at least we're not streetwalkers. We don't go with just anyone. Mark was a complete arsehole, and I know sometimes you get little shits who slip through, but Katherine does her best to keep us safe. She's so upset with herself, Vince. She was in tears when I told her, although, I was shouting at her quite a lot. And we don't work out of some scummy brothel, either. So, really, it could be a lot, _lot_ worse. We practise safe sex and we're tested regularly – there's nothing 'unclean' about us. You'd be surprised with the amount of men and women like us who manage to find love with someone who knows about what we do. This girl I used to know, Ellie, she met the love of her life in the supermarket when she lost control of her trolley and bashed into this poor guy coming round the corner of one of the aisles. She told him what she did as soon as things started to get serious, and yeah, he was shocked, but in the end he didn't care, because he loved her. She stopped for him, and now they're married. I remember we were having a meeting with Katherine, and she came running in, grinning from ear to ear, announcing that she'd fallen in love and was giving up being a call-girl. And, even though I know you wouldn't, some people even continue working, and their partners are fully aware. So, you see? It _can_ happen. And there's no reason why it shouldn't with you."

"But -"

"No. First thing tomorrow, we're packing and catching the train to Leeds. You have no choice."

Vince stared at Lottie for a moment, tears still trickling down his face. Then he squeezed her tight. "Have I ever told you how much I love you? Thank you."

Lottie smiled. "Don't thank me. I just want you to be happy. And I love you, too. Now, come on, dry you eyes and get to bed. You don't want Howard seeing you all puffy-eyed and blotchy."

Vince sniffed and managed a small laugh, but just as he was about to get up to have a wash, he looked at Lottie with a frown and said, "I don't have his address." With that, his shoulders sagged and he looked like he was about to cry again. "And I don't think Naboo will give it to me."

Lottie looked at him sheepishly. "I have a confession. I went to see him the other day. He didn't look too impressed, but I managed to sweet-talk him into giving me Howard's address. He's a tough one, though, isn't he?"

"Y-you did what?"

"I know, I'm sorry. But I wasn't going to let you give up that easily. I know it was sneaky, but if it makes you feel better, I had to spend a long time convincing him that you needed to see Howard. He's not going to say anything to him, I made him promise."

Vince just blinked, dumbstruck. "You – you're amazing."

Lottie grinned. "I have my moments."

Vince hugged her again, then stood up shakily, smiling to himself. He couldn't believe he was actually going to go and see Howard. He was wracked with nerves, but Lottie was right; he had to try. He had to find out.

He had to fight for Howard.


	5. The Reunion

**A/N: The chapter you've all been waiting for – the appearance of Howard!** **Reviews, as always, are very much appreciated, so thank you! This chapter is sort of a 'part one of two', because it ends on a bit of a cliff-hanger, but I'll try not to keep you all waiting too long!**

**xxxx**

Giggling, Vince and Lottie charged up the platform at Kings Cross Station, their suitcases banging behind them and tipping onto their sides. Vince yanked his upright for the hundredth time, the wheels scraping across the concrete. Up ahead, the guard was about to blow the whistle, and he waved at them frantically to hurry up. They made it, just, jumping on the train and gasping in huge lungfuls of air, laughing hysterically and clutching at their sides.

"God, my stomach!" Lottie cried, as she bent over and wiped tears from her face.

Vince breathed in deeply and leant back against the wall of the carriage. "I really didn't think we were going to make it. Did you see that bloke's face when your case got caught in the barrier? I think he thought you were going to break it! Come on, let's find our seats."

They made their way out of the corridor and up through the carriages until they came to the right one in first class. They dumped their suitcases in the luggage rack and then collapsed into the large, leather seats, silent while they recovered from their sprint.

Half an hour later, and Vince had fallen back into the melancholy mood he had woken up with. He was, quite understandably, still shaken up from the night before, and had also managed to convince himself that he was wasting his time going to Leeds, that Howard wouldn't want to even see him, let alone listen to what he had to say. Lottie had bought them some miniature bottles of alcohol from the buffet cart to try and calm Vince's nerves, but he'd barely touched the vodka and coke which sat in front of him, instead opting for staring out of the window, his eyes flickering back and forth at an unnatural speed as he looked at the winter-bleached landscape, the sky grey with the promise of more snow, and Vince wondered if this time it would settle. It had snowed on and off a lot in the past few weeks, but it hadn't lasted for more than a night or so. Vince snuggled down into his seat and wrapped his arms around himself. The train certainly could have done with being a bit warmer, and he shivered slightly, rubbing his arms up and down in an attempt to heat them up. Wordlessly, Lottie wandered back off down the carriage, returning a few minutes later to replace Vince's alcoholic beverage with a cup of tea. He smiled at her gratefully, wrapping his hands around the cup and letting the heat sink into his skin.

"How much longer?" Vince suddenly asked, his knees jiggling up and down anxiously under the table.

"Honey, it's only been about forty minutes. We've still got about an hour and a half to go. Tell you what, shall we play a game?"

"What, like 'I spy'?"

"The 'profile' game."

Vince blinked at her in confusion. "What?"

Lottie's eyes widened comically. "You've never played it?"

The 'profile' game, as it turned out, consisted of picking out random people and creating a rather hilarious back-story for them. Lottie's first victim was a guy further up the carriage, who was typing furiously on his laptop, tie loosened and the top button of his shirt undone. He became Norman, who, whilst pretending to be working, was actually heavily involved in a Star Trek role-playing game, and the suit was just to fool people into think he was this important businessman, when he was, in fact, a geek. He also had a pet rock called Trevor, who was currently in rehab after getting addicted to smoking moss, and still lived with his mother and her many cats. Vince, beginning to cheer up slightly, joined in, and soon they were giggling away, attracting some very odd stares from the other travellers.

xxxx

"Vince... Vince!" Lottie shook his shoulder, waking him from his slumber. "We're here."

Vince mumbled and opened his eyes slowly. When he caught sight of what was outside the window, he sat bolt upright, staring in wonder. Up north, the snow had fallen thickly, covering Yorkshire in a deep blanket of white. It was beautiful, and for a moment, Vince forgot all his anxieties and started to bounce up and down in his seat.

Lottie rolled her eyes and slid out from her seat. "Come on," she said, as the train began to roll to a stop in the station. Vince's face fell, and he looked at Lottie nervously. Lottie smiled softly at him. "Up you get, sweetie. We'll go and check in at the hotel and then you can have some time to get yourself together, okay?"

Nodding, Vince got up and joined her, grabbing his suitcase and pulling up the handle. In all the time he'd known Howard, he'd never once been up to Leeds. Howard had popped up now and again to see his parents, but Vince, to his shame, had never gone with him. Another regret to add to the list of things he already felt guilty about. As soon as he stepped off the train, Vince's ears were accosted with a very familiar accent, in different tones and pitches from all the people bustling about him. He felt himself welling up, but he controlled himself and took Lottie's arm, letting her lead the way out of the station and towards the taxi rank.

xxxx

It was dark, and Christmas lights shone out from the houses along the quiet street, throwing multicoloured light out into the night. The snow crunched underneath Vince's feet, and he tried to concentrate on the sound in an attempt to soothe his nerves. It wasn't very windy, but the gentle breeze was bitter and it bit at his cheeks, reddening them. Next to him, Lottie wasn't faring much better either. They were both bundled up against the big freeze, but they were still shivering, teeth chattering so much it was a wonder they hadn't shattered. After spending the afternoon at the hotel, waiting for the time when Howard would have finished work and gone home, Vince, as their taxi had pulled into Howard's road, had insisted on getting out and walking the rest of the way rather than being dropped right outside the front door, wanting a few minutes to calm himself. So he'd asked the driver to stop a bit before they reached number forty-seven.

"Vince?"

"Yeah?"

"Whatever happens, you know I'll always be here for you, don't you?"

Vince reached out and squeezed Lottie's hand. "Yeah, I know."

They came to a stop outside the house next door to Howard's, and Vince's breath stuck in his throat, making him step backwards. "I-I can't."

"Babe, you can." Lottie reached up and ran a hand through his hair, pulling a few strands around his face. "There. Gorgeous."

Vince felt like he was about to throw up. "What are you going to do? You can't walk around in the cold waiting for me."

"I saw a pub just before the taxi dropped us off. I'll walk back there, it's not far. Go on. You can't put it off forever."

Vince threw his arms around her neck. "I'm scared," he said, as he hugged her tightly.

"I know," Lottie whispered. She kissed his cheek and gently pulled out of his embrace. "I'll see you soon."

Vince nodded, and watched for a while as Lottie walked back off in the direction they'd come from. Then he turned to face the house. It was a quaint place, with a small front garden and a tiled path leading to the front door. The light was on in the living room, and Vince could just make out someone moving behind the curtains. No, not someone – Howard. Taking a deep, shaky breath, he moved towards the small gate and pushed it open gently, walking slowly towards the door, his legs feeling like jelly and his stomach somersaulting violently. This was it. No going back. He reached out and pressed his finger to the doorbell.

He waited.

After what seemed like hours, but was really only a few seconds, Vince heard the turn of a lock, and then the door swung open.

For a moment, time seemed to stand still. Howard was staring at him, the easy-going look he'd had on his face upon opening the door quickly giving way to a mixture of confusion and shock. Vince's heart began to race, his knees wobbling dangerously. Howard was just as he remembered him. His hair still sat in a messy mop on his head, and he was wearing a forest green polo neck with dark brown trousers. Vince thought he was the most amazing sight he'd ever seen. Realising his mouth was hanging open, Vince licked his lips nervously and took a tentative step forward.

"Howard."

Then everything sped up again, and Vince felt tears stinging his eyes. He wasn't sure at first if Howard had heard him; after all, he had barely whispered. Howard blinked, the hand holding the door open gripping it tightly, his knuckles white. His mouth moved, but nothing came out. He looked like he'd seen a ghost. Then, slowly, he turned and walked back into the house, leaving the door wide open. Confused, Vince frowned and followed him inside, scared that everything was about to go very wrong. He stopped just inside the lounge door, the light from the Christmas tree in the corner of the room falling over him. Howard was facing the window, although, really, he was just staring at the closed curtains. He looked completely lost. Feeling brave, Vince moved further into the room.

"Howard?"

Howard let out a shaky breath. His body was trembling, and Vince had to force himself not go to him, to give him a few moments to gather himself. Then, not turning, Howard spoke, a rush of air escaping his lips, disbelieving and broken.

"You're really here?"

"I'm really here."

There was silence for a few moments, before Howard finally looked at him. Vince had never felt so exposed in his life. He smiled weakly, his mouth wobbling with the effort of holding back the sob in his throat. "Hi," he said, voice dangerously close to cracking.

Howard continued to stare at him, his face pale. "I don't... How... _Vince_."

Vince's eyes finally overflowed, salty water running down his icy cheeks. Howard's face softened, his own eyes looking suspiciously damp.

"Where have you been?" he whispered, sounding heartbroken.

Vince hiccupped, then let out a sob. Looking into Howard's eyes, he saw everything – all the pain and the sadness and the hurt, that _he'd _caused, and then Howard broke, and everything came rushing out.

"Where were you? Where did you go? We looked _everywhere _for you. I thought... I thought you were dead! Vince, have you any idea... Have you... Do you know..." Howard turned away from Vince as his voice cracked, a hand moving up to his face to wipe his tears. Then he turned back, his features twisted in anger. "I woke up every day thinking the police were going to call round and say they'd found you down some alleyway or in a ditch! Why did you do it? Why did you just leave, without a word? All there was was a note, and you didn't even mention me. Did I really mean that little to you? Why, Vince? WHY?!"

Vince jumped, his hands flying to his face. His chest heaved and he felt dizzy. But Howard wasn't finished just yet.

"And then you turn up here! You just turn up, after all this time, after I've been trying so hard to move on from you. How is that fair?!"

"I'm sorry!" Vince sobbed, sinking down to the sofa. "I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear! I know, after everything I did, that you probably won't believe me, but I really am sorry. That's why I left, because I couldn't bear what I was doing to you. I left to make it better for you!"

Howard calmed, looking slightly bemused, and sat down next to Vince. "What do you mean 'make it better' for me?"

Vince looked at him sadly. "For ages, for _years_, I wanted to tell you, but I could never find the right moment, was never sure that you wouldn't run away. And the longer I left it, the more it got to me and the worse I dealt with it. You never deserved all that. I was awful to you, because I couldn't tell you. I thought, if I did, you'd run a mile. I wouldn't even be here now if I hadn't ended up in Dalston the other week. Naboo saw me. Saw me, and, quite rightly, had a go at me. Said that if I'd just told you, I might have been surprised. I couldn't believe it, and I didn't want to risk coming here and getting it all wrong, but then my friend Lottie, who I've been living with, she went to Naboo and got your address and persuaded me to take a chance."

Howard took all this in, then, very softly, said, "tell me what?"

"That I..." Vince held Howard's gaze, his stomach flipping. This was it. He was going to tell him, and then there'd be no turning back. It was terrifying and exciting at the same time. He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. "That I... I love you. I'm _in _love with you. I think I always have been."

Howard simply stared at him, looking more than just a little shocked, and, for a moment, Vince thought he'd completely blown it. But then Howard gave him a watery smile, and let out the breath he had been holding. He shook his head slowly, his smile widening.

"You idiot, Vince Noir. God. You... Naboo was right. You might very well be surprised to find that I'm in love with you, too." Then his smile fell, and so did the look of expectation on Vince's face. "But you hurt me. I understand why you thought it would scare me, but you just disappeared. You left me, Vince. You could have at least let us know you were safe. That was the worst part, the not knowing. Your note was so... I was afraid someone had manipulated you and made you leave, and..." He shook his head. "Every day I'd wake up, and it was like I couldn't breathe, like I was being strangled. I didn't know if I was supposed to be mourning the fact that my best friend had left, or mourning your death. Eventually, I had to get away. Because you were everywhere and nowhere all at once. All your things – your clothes and your shoes and your hair stuff and your jewellery; I couldn't handle seeing it all everyday, a constant reminder. But I didn't have the heart to move any of it, so I moved myself."

Vince let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding, his shoulders starting to heave. "I'm sorry, Howard, I'm so, so sorry. I know it was stupid and unforgivable and I know I put you through hell, and I don't know how I can even begin to make up for that, but I want to try. Please, let me try."

Howard studied him for a second, then gently picked up his hand and clasped it in his own, his thumb running over Vince's fingers. Vince shivered slightly as the touch sent a spark of electricity though him, his eyes wet, a hundred different emotions fighting their way across his striking features. Howard himself seemed to be struggling with some sort of decision, before finally looking Vince in the eye again, and saying, sincerely, "I'd like that." Then he smiled. "You're still beautiful."

Vince laughed, sniffing as he did so. "You think I'm beautiful?"

Howard reddened slightly. "I've always thought that." He looked down at their joined hands. "I still can't believe you're really here. I honestly never thought I'd see you again. I never..." His tears started up again, and Vince, his own eyes refilling and spilling over, put his free hand to Howard's face and wiped them away. Howard cupped Vince's cheek and moved closer to him, his breath ghosting over his face. Vince sighed.

"I've missed you so much, Howard."

'I've missed you too, little man."

Vince smiled at the use of his old affection. "I've missed that, too. I always loved it when you called me that." Then, in a complete change of subject, he said, "your accent's got stronger. I didn't realise how being in London for so long had softened it. I like it."

Howard grinned and squeezed Vince's hand, his other one still on his cheek, thumb stroking small circles over the skin, which was still rosy from the chill outside.

Vince, enjoying the closeness, and feeling blissfully happy that he'd been given a second chance, forgot, momentarily, the thing that would either make or break them. But as Howard leaned further into him, terribly close to kissing him, it all came crashing back unforgivingly. However, before he could do anything, Howard closed the gap between them and kissed him, ever so gently, his lips soft and warm and everything Vince had ever imagined. It felt amazing, his whole body tingled, and he was glad he was sitting down because he was quite sure his legs would have given way. But it wasn't right, and it wouldn't be until he had told him, so instead of kissing him back, which he wanted to do more than anything else in the world, all he could do was sob. Sobs which shook through his body and left him gasping, and Howard pulled back, startled, thinking he'd done something wrong. Vince clutched at him and buried his head into his shoulder. Howard hugged him close, whispering to him, trying to get him to calm down. Vince wanted to enjoy it, but he couldn't. It had been so long since he'd even had so much as a touch on the arm from Howard, let alone a hug. It still felt warm and safe, Howard's arms wrapping around him, strong and protecting, his scent and the feel of him oh so familiar and welcoming. It was just that he was so frightened that everything was about to go wrong, that he didn't want to get used to something so wonderful, only to have it snatched away again in the blink of an eye.

"I'm sorry, little man. I didn't mean to upset you. If you're not ready, we don't have too."

Vince couldn't believe how sweet Howard was being. He didn't deserve this. "No," he said, sniffing and trying to control himself. "It's not that. I want to kiss you more than anything; it's all I've thought about. But before I do _anything_, there is something I really need to tell you. And please, promise me you'll let me explain it all before you say anything. Please?"

"Vince, you're starting to scare me. What is it?"

"Just promise me."

Howard nodded, deeply concerned. "I promise."

Vince took a deep breath, and began to tell Howard everything.


	6. Make Or Break

**A/N: This, I'm afraid, is the penultimate chapter. I won't say much about it, because there's nothing I can say without giving it away, but I look forward to seeing what you all think of it!**

**xxxx**

"...and then I quit. Not just because of you, but because I didn't want to be doing it anymore. I didn't want to be doing it in the first place, but like I said at the start – I was desperate. I know you must be so disappointed with me, but I had no choice. I'm so sorry."

Howard, who had been sitting silently next to Vince the whole time he was talking, didn't say anything at all when he finished. Instead, the silence hung uncomfortably between them, Howard staring straight ahead, a conflicting expression on his face which Vince couldn't quite read. Then, without a word, he stood and went over to the window, pulling open the curtains so he could see outside. Vince hung his head and sniffed, the tears starting again. He breathed in sharply, his hands on his knees, fingers digging in. Then he looked up, his eyes meeting the back of Howard's head.

"Howard?" he croaked, feebly. He pushed himself up and walked shakily over to him. Howard, too, seemed to be trembling, and when Vince stepped in front of him, he wouldn't meet his eyes. "Howard, please, say something."

Howard moved his mouth, but it took him a few attempts before anything came out. "You look different," he said, voice so quiet Vince had to strain to hear him.

Vince frowned, confused. That wasn't exactly what he was expecting. "What?"

This time, Howard dared to look at him. "Your clothes."

Vince looked down at his outfit. "I've always worn stuff like this." Then he realised. Yes, he had always worn stuff like that, but it had never looked as expensive as it did now. Being a prostitute meant that Vince had had to spend more on his wardrobe. If he was going to be high-class, then he had to look like it. His black drainpipes were, as always, from his faithful Topshop, but his coat, dark purple, knee length, fitted and made from pure wool, had cost several hundred euros, as had the gold ankle boots on his feet. And they looked it. Vince looked expensive. Even his hair and the way he applied his minimal make-up seemed to have gone up in price. His bag, which was sitting innocently on the floor by the sofa, screamed money. Vince put a hand up to Howard's cheek, fully expecting him to flinch. He didn't. In fact, he didn't react at all. Vince bit his lip, trying to stop himself from sobbing again. "Howard, _please_. I need you to understand. Look at me."

Howard did, slowly, his eyes moving from where he had again fixed them on the window, back to Vince's own. "The man I love has been selling his body for money. What do you want me to say?" His voice sounded disjointed, tired and, above all else, heartbroken. Vince just wanted to fall to the floor and weep. No, not weep – wail.

"I really didn't have a choice. I promise you. Howard, when I left, I hardly took anything with me. I even forgot my wallet, and by the time I'd remembered, it was too late to go back. All I had on me was a twenty euro note and some loose change. No bank card, no credit card, just what was already in my pocket. I had nowhere to go and I was starving. I tried, I really did. I even had..." Vince looked away, thoroughly ashamed, his sobs catching in his throat, face glistening with tears. "I even had to run away from a B&B I was staying in without paying. I spent nearly a week there, knowing full well I wouldn't be able to pay the bill when I checked out. They couldn't give me a room for longer than that because of bookings, so I went out at the crack of dawn every day to look for work, and didn't stop until the shops shut. I hated myself for it, but it was either that or sleep on the streets. The night before I was due to leave, I went downstairs and waited around the corner from reception until it was left unattended, and then I walked out with my suitcase. I called Katherine, and then... well, you know the rest. So, you see? I had no other choice."

Howard frowned at him and stepped back, Vince's hand, which was still cupping his cheek, falling away. "Y-you could have come home."

"I couldn't."

"You could!"

"No, Howard! I was, _am_, so head-over-heels for you. I had no idea you felt the same – and that's not your fault. I mean, why would you tell me something like that when I was treating you like shit? I would have done _anything _to get away from the pain I was causing; and I did. But Howard, listen to me. I'm not... It was all well run. I told you, I wasn't out selling myself on the streets. I didn't go with just anyone. And I never, _ever_, slept with anyone without protection. I -"

"Oh! Oh, well, that just makes everything all right, then, doesn't it?" Howard snapped at Vince angrily, and walked out of the room.

Vince stared at the spot where Howard had just been standing, his heart falling into the bottom of his stomach. After a few seconds he wandered into the hallway, locating Howard quickly when he heard sniffing coming from the other end. He was in the kitchen, his forehead leant against the window in the back door, his breath steaming up the cold glass. Vince loitered in the doorway, tears rolling down his face and dripping onto his coat.

"How many?"

Vince's eyes widened, hoping Howard wasn't asking what he thought he was. But the tone of his voice suggested otherwise. "What?"

"Well, you must have worked nearly every day, right? Sometimes saw more than one person a day? That's... That's a lot. All those people, touching you, kissing you...Fucking you."

"Howard, don't."

"You must have enjoyed it sometimes, right? Surely you can't have sex that many times and not enjoy it?"

"Stop it, _please_." Vince sobbed loudly, clutching the door. "I did it to survive. I never enjoyed it, it was just something I had to do. I tried to block it out, thinking about stupid things like what I was going to have for dinner, or making shopping lists in my head. Howard, you have to believe me. Why would I lie? If I was going to do that, then I would have kept my mouth shut and not told you any of this!" Vince walked up to him, taking hold of his arm and looking up at him, his eyes pleading with him to understand. "I love you, Howard. I love you and I need you. There hasn't been a day when I haven't thought about you. You mean _everything _to me. I felt like I was dying without you."

Howard's face relaxed, no longer looking angry, just extremely sad. He took hold of Vince's hands and looked at him tearfully. When he spoke, his voice had gone back to the gentle level Vince was more familiar with. "I love you, too. But I can't -"

"No," Vince choked out, "please don't say that."

"I'm sorry... I-It's all too..."

"No, Howard, please. I'll do anything, I swear. I can't lose you again."

"Vince, please don't make this any harder than -"

"No! No, I love you! And you love me, so why can't that just be it?!"

"It's not that simple, little man."

"But, it is!"

Howard let go of Vince's hands and gently cupped his face. "I'm sorry."

Vince was now crying so much he could hardly breathe. "Y-you think I'm d-disgusting."

"No, no, I don't."

"You do! I'm tainted, damaged, and now you don't want me!"

"Vince -"

But Vince pushed away from him. "You're right. God, I was stupid to even _think_ that you'd want me after all that."

"I-I do. It's just, I can't."

"_Why?_"

Howard felt himself collapsing internally. He was so confused and shocked and his head was a mess - he couldn't think. But Vince had been... What he'd been doing... It freaked Howard out, and no matter what he felt for the man standing in front of him - the one with the blotchy, tear-stained face and smudged eye-liner - no matter how much he loved him, his revelation had changed something, and Howard just couldn't do it. It felt like someone was stamping on him. He'd gone from unhappy to ecstatic to angry to broken hearted, again, in such a short space of time that his head was reeling, leaving him feeling sick and disorientated. He let go of Vince's face. "Maybe you should... Maybe you should go and find your friend."

Vince stumbled, and Howard automatically reached out to steady him. Vince shook him off, looking like his world had ended. In a way, it had. "Don't. You... I'm sorry I came. I'm only leaving with what I deserve, aren't I?"

"Vince."

Howard followed as Vince all but ran back into the living room, picking up his bag and rooting through it for his phone, dropping it twice before he got a grip on it. He dialled the number he'd stored earlier for the taxi company and ordered one to come straight away.

"I could have taken you back," Howard said, when Vince had hung up.

"No, thank you. You probably shouldn't be seen out with the likes of me."

"Don't talk like that."

Vince sat down on the sofa and put his face in his hands. "We can make this work, I know we can."

Howard shook his head, sadly. "I can't. I love you, but I can't. Go home. Live your life however you want to live it." He crouched down in front of Vince. "You'll be okay."

"No, I won't," Vince whimpered, voice muffled by his hands.

"You will. We both will, because we have too. Even if we don't want too."

Vince continued to cry into his hands. "I'll never see you again."

"You will. I don't know when, but you will."

"No." Vince looked up at him. "Howard, I'm never going to stop loving you, and if I have to see you, I'll never move on."

Howard's face fell. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right."

They didn't speak again until the taxi arrived. They both stood silently, Howard walking Vince out and pausing on the front step. Vince shivered as the cold hit him, and then it really seemed to sink in that he was leaving. He turned and threw his arms around Howard's neck, burying his face against him. Howard couldn't refuse him, and returned the hug, squeezing him tight.

"Please, Howard. Just give me a chance."

Howard pressed a kiss to Vince's forehead and then pulled away, gently removing Vince's arms from around him. "I'm sorry," he wept, standing back and watching as Vince gathered himself.

"Me too. You take care, yeah?"

"Yeah. You too. Be careful."

Vince looked down at the floor. "I told you, I don't do that anymore."

"I know, but even so. Just keep safe, whatever you do."

Vince wiped his hands over his face, and then took a deep breath, trying with all his might to steady his voice. "Good-bye, Howard."

"Good-bye, Vince."

xxxx

Lottie was fuming. She'd been shocked, to say the least, when Vince had called her from back at the hotel, bawling his eyes out. She'd held him all night, rocking him and whispering soothingly to him. He'd cried himself to sleep in the end, but Lottie had found it hard to drop off herself. As soon as morning had come, she'd written Vince a note to say she'd just popped out and wouldn't be long, and jumped into a taxi to Howard's house, fully prepared to tell him exactly what she thought of him. The small, sensible part of her informed her that it was perfectly okay for Howard to be freaked out. But, the rest of her was itching to yell at him for making Vince feel nothing more than worthless.

Stomping up the path, she bypassed the doorbell and instead settled for banging her fist against the front door, not stopping until it was finally open, and Howard, red-eyed and exhausted, appeared in fornt of her, hastily tying his dressing gown.

"Yes?"

Lottie smiled none too kindly. "Hi. I'm Lottie."

Howard actually looked scared. "Um..."

"Can I come in?" It wasn't really a question, as Lottie was already walking past him when the words left her mouth. She found her way into the lounge, standing tall and folding her arms over her chest as Howard wandered in after her.

"Is... Is Vince okay?" Howard knew it was a stupid question, and he couldn't even work out why he'd said it.

Lottie glared at him. "No, actually. He cried himself to sleep. He's devastated. And to think I was stupid enough to make him come here, thinking that you'd understand and give him a chance."

Howard frowned at her. "_You_ made him come here?"

"Well, in the endI had too. He was so convinced that you were going to turn him down, but I really thought he was going to get his happy ending, so I persuaded him to come. Now he's in pieces and it's my fault. And yours too, obviously."

Howard sighed and sat down. "I know you probably won't believe me, but I _do _love him. I just can't handle..."

"The fact that we make money from sex? It's okay, you can say it. I don't care what you think. But Vince does." Lottie softened slightly, seeing that Howard was clearly upset. "Look, I know he hurt you, and I'm not condoning that, but don't you think he's been punished enough? I don't have a problem with what I do, but Vince has never forgiven himself for being drawn into it. Did he tell you that some guy tried to attack him the other night? Vince refused to kiss him. You see, we generally don't do kissing because it's too personal. Yes, Vince would kiss women, but he could detach himself from that. But he would never kiss a male client, because he said it felt like he was cheating on you. The one he was with the other night knew Vince wouldn't do it, but he tried to push his luck, and when Vince wouldn't give in, he got angry and tried to force himself on him."

Howard fought down the wave of anger building inside him, knowing it would do nothing to help the situation. How could someone do that to Vince? It made him feel sick to think that it could have been a lot worse. He dug his fingers into the edge of the sofa, trying to calm himself. Lottie watched for a moment, then continued.

"Vince managed to knock him out, and we went to the police and had charges brought against him. And later, when we were back at home, and he was crying, you know who he asked for? You. He said he wanted you, wanted you there to hold him. That's what did it in the end, what made him finally agree to come to Leeds."

Howard stared up Lottie, and she didn't think she'd ever seen anyone look so sorry.

"Look, please just reconsider your relationship with him. I can't bare to see Vince like that. He means the world to me. He's been such a great friend, and he deserves to be happy. Watching him suffer is killing me. You've both been hurt – doesn't it make sense that you work through it together?"

"I can't," Howard whispered, hating himself for saying it.

Lottie sighed in disappointment, then reached into her bag and pulled out a card, handing it to Howard as she walked past him to leave. "Vince loves you, Howard. Think about it."

"You will look after him, won't you?"

"Of course I will. Someone has too." With that, Lottie marched out of the door and was gone.

Howard leant back against the sofa, the card resting in his hand. He felt as if someone had ripped his heart out, torn it to shreds, stitched it back together wrong and stuffed it back inside him.

But however awful he felt, however guilty it made him feel, however much he wanted to go to Vince and take him in his arms, he just couldn't do it.


	7. New Year, New Start

**A/N: This last chapter is rather epic – eleven pages! As with the last one, I'm not going to say much about it. There are scenes of a sexual nature, but nothing really graphic. And I'm not telling you who that's between, either. I'll let you read on for that. Will you be disappointed, or jumping for joy? You'll have to wait and see! I know, I'm a meany. **

**Your reviews have been amazing. Thanks for all your support!**

**Song used is 'About You Now' by the Sugababes. It's the slow version, so it doesn't have all the lyrics of the original, and if you haven't heard it, it's on iTunes under 'About You Now (Radio One Live Lounge)'. I love it, and I thought the lyrics were quite fitting. I can't seem to make a gap between the verses and the chorus, even when I hit return over and over again! It might be an HTML thing, but I don't know anything about that, so, unfortunately, it all runs into each other. Sorry!**

**xxxx**

Vince stared blankly out of the window. It was Christmas day, but he wasn't feeling very festive. Since coming back from Leeds three days ago, Vince had done nothing but mope around the flat in his pyjamas. He'd barely eaten, his hair hung flat around his face, and his eyes were red and puffy from the endless amount of tears he had been producing. Lottie had stayed with him, giving up her visit to her family in order to make sure that he wasn't alone. Not that Vince had really noticed. He'd mostly stayed in his room, curled up on his bed, cups of tea brought in by Lottie going cold on his bedside table.

Vince sighed heavily and looked down at the people in the street below. The snow had finally settled, and children were having snowball fights and building snowmen, giggling and running about like they didn't have a care in the world. Vince wished, more than anything, that he could feel like that too. He pulled the duvet he was wrapped in tighter around him, and shifted slightly on the window ledge. His door was slightly ajar, and he could hear Lottie banging about in the kitchen, humming along to the radio. As one song finished and the next started, Vince tilted his head towards the sound slightly in recognition. It wasn't very appropriate for Christmas day, but it matched his mood, so he didn't care.

_It was so easy that night_

_Should've been strong, yeah I lied_

_Nobody gets me like you_

_I know everything changes, all the cities and faces_

_But I know how I feel about you_

_Can we bring yesterday back around?_

_'Cause I know how I feel about you now_

_I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down_

_But I know how I feel about you now_

Vince didn't realise he was crying again until he tasted salt on his lips. It had to be some sort of twisted irony, that they'd play a song where the lyrics reminded him of Howard. Another metaphorical blow to the stomach.

_All that it takes, one more chance_

_Don't let our last kiss be our last_

_Give me tonight and I'll show you_

_I know everything changes, I don't care where it takes us_

_'Cause I know how I feel about you_

_Can we bring yesterday back around?_

_'Cause I know how I feel about you now_

_I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down_

_But I know how I feel about you now_

Vince was sobbing again. It wasn't fair. He didn't blame Howard. How could he? But not having him near, after being so close to him, after being so close to having him back in his life, was destroying him. It hurt so much, he didn't know if he'd ever recover. He didn't know if he actually _wanted _too. Was he just getting what he deserved? If he could turn back time, he'd never have left.

_Can we bring yesterday back around?_

_'Cause I know how I feel about you now_

_I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down_

_But I know how I feel about you now_

_Not a day passed me by, not a day passed me by_

_When I don't think about you_

"Oh, Vince."

Vince jumped slightly. He hadn't even heard Lottie come in. He sniffed, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. Lottie grabbed him a tissue from the box on his dressing table and handed it to him, putting an arm around him.

"I'm sorry, it was just, that song – it reminded me of Howard. It was literally my feelings in song format. God, I'm so pathetic."

"Hey, shhh. Don't talk like that. You're not pathetic. Listen, how about you come out for a bit, come and sit by the fire. Dinner's almost ready."

"I'm not hungry."

Lottie sighed. "I know, sweetheart. But you'll make yourself ill if you don't eat something. Please, just have a little bit. I've never made Christmas dinner on my own before – I need someone to test it on."

Vince sniffed again, and gave her a small nod. "Okay." Slowly, he got up, leaning on Lottie and letting her guide him out of the room. He head span slightly and his legs felt weak, but he made it to the sofa and sat down on it heavily. Lottie kissed his head and smiled encouragingly at him before going off to finish the dinner. The living room was contrasting sharply with Vince's mood. The tree stood brightly in the corner, multicoloured lights twinkling, reflecting off the tinsel and bouncing off the walls. Garlands of holly and ivy had been draped around the fireplace, and on the mantel sat a couple of bunches of mistletoe and a few candles, scented with what was called 'cinnamon and mulled wine'. Snowflake lights hung in the window and there was a wreath on the wall, the one he and Lottie had chosen together a few weeks before, made of dark red feathers and sparkles, completely different to the more traditional one they had bought for the front door. It looked a little out of place, but they had loved it, so it didn't matter. There were more candles nestled between bits of holly on the coffee table, and the fire was roaring away happily, snapping and popping and dancing about whenever a draft caught it.

Lottie reappeared a few minutes later with two plates full of food. She didn't make Vince sit at the table, which he was grateful for as he didn't think he'd be able to move again if he tried, and put the plates down on the coffee table. She fetched a bottle of bucks fizz and a couple of glasses, brought in a tray with gravy and cranberry sauce and cutlery, and then settled herself next to Vince. He felt guilty at not helping her, so he decided that the least he could do was try and eat as much as possible, and it did look good.

"Thanks, Lotts."

Lottie smiled and picked up her fork. "You're welcome."

By the time they'd finished dinner, Vince had even managed to joke about a bit, but it wasn't long before the smile was gone from his face again.

Baby steps, thought Lottie, as she cleared away the plates.

xxxx

Vince was bored. Well, it wasn't that he was bored, it was that he surrounded by so many happy people and couples, and he was feeling so depressed, that he was determined that he was not going to have a good time. He hadn't wanted to go out at all, but Lottie had all but begged him.

"_Please come out, Vince. It'll be good for you and you'll enjoy it. You loved it last year, and we can go outside again at midnight and watch the fireworks over the Thames."_

Then she'd looked up at him with big eyes, her bottom lip sticking out slightly, and he'd found that he couldn't say no. Well, he'd tried, but she'd been on at him for days about it, so giving in seemed like the easiest option.

Now, he was regretting it.

Lottie was dancing with some of their mutual friends, or, rather, fellow workers of Madam Katherine. No, that wasn't fair. They were good people, and Vince got on very well with them. He sighed. Lottie was now making her way over to him, probably to ask him to come and dance for the millionth time. Okay, so he probably did look like a bit of a loner leaning against the wall with a cocktail in his hand, but he didn't care. He didn't want to enjoy himself. He wanted to go home and carry on thinking about how stupid he was. He couldn't do that properly here, it was too loud.

"Vince," Lottie said, putting her arms around him. "Come and have a little dance, please? I can't bear seeing you standing here on your own."

"I'm fine," Vince replied, sullenly, taking a sip of his brightly coloured drink.

Lottie looked at him a little guiltily. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made you come."

"It's all right. You go and have fun."

"I could stay here with you? I don't mind."

Vince smiled at her. "No, go on. I'll be fine."

Lottie gave him a kiss and promised to come back soon, before she waltzed back into the crowd.

"Hey."

Vince turned towards the voice, and saw a good looking man with light brown hair standing in front of him, an easy, flirtatious smile on his face. Vince groaned inwardly. The man might have been good looking, but he wasn't Howard, and Vince just wasn't interested. Still, he tried to be polite.

"Hi."

The man continued to smile, holding out his hand. "I'm Scott."

"Vince," Vince replied, shaking his hand and letting it go quickly.

Scott leaned against the wall next to him. "You don't look like you're having much fun. Girlfriend trouble?"

Vince shook his head, wishing he'd go away. "No."

"Boyfriend trouble?"

Vince couldn't help but notice that Scott sounded rather hopeful. He didn't answer him. A mistake, he noticed, as Scott took this as his cue to start coming onto him, leaning in a little closer.

"I don't know why anyone would want to leave you standing here on your own on New Year's Eve. You're far too pretty."

Vince felt sick.

"So, what's he done?"

"What?"

Scott chuckled. "The man who's left you looking so broken hearted. What's he done?"

Vince glared at him. How dare he. "That's none of your business." As he walked off, he could hear Scott calling after him, apologising, but was relieved to see that he wasn't following him. Vince went out onto the balcony of the club, letting the cold air wash over him. There were a few other people out there with him, puffing away on cigarettes as quickly as they could before they froze, but apart from that he was alone. He inhaled deeply as the cigarette smoke wafted over him, tempted to ask if he could pinch one, but he'd smoked so many over the past week that he was afraid he would soon become addicted to them, so he controlled himself and looked up at the dark sky instead. It was a clear night, and the stars dotted the sky like tiny silver pinpricks. Vince loved looking at the stars, but he hadn't been paying much attention to them lately. He shivered and wrapped his arms about himself, thinking he really should have brought his coat out with him. From somewhere below, he faintly heard the song that had caused him such heartache on Christmas day.

_All that it takes, one more chance_

_Don't let our last kiss be our last_

_Give me tonight and I'll show you_

_I know everything changes, I don't care where it takes us_

_'Cause I know how I feel about you_

Vince was amazed at how that song seemed to keep being played at the most inappropriate of times. Feeling himself welling up, he blocked it out and instead concentrated on looking at the stars.

He wasn't sure how long he'd been standing there for, but, suddenly, Lottie's voice sailed over his shoulder, sounding slightly annoyed.

"Vince! Jesus, you're gonna freeze to death! Come inside and get your coat on. I was thinking we could walk down to the river now." She shook her head. "You're mad."

"I was hot," Vince started as they went back inside the club. "It's really stuffy in here."

"Still, there's a difference between popping out to cool down and standing there looking like you purposely want to catch pneumonia."

"I wasn't trying to catch pneumonia," Vince mumbled, sounding slightly petulant.

They grabbed their coats from the cloakroom, and Lottie fussed and made sure Vince was wrapped up warm enough before they went back outside. It was packed down by the river, people jostling about, trying to get a good view for when the fireworks went off. Vince pulled his phone out of his pocket to look at the time. Almost five to midnight. All around them people were singing and laughing and drinking. Lottie, to her delight, briefly got spun around by a man dressed as Superman. She giggled, and accepted a kiss on the cheek from him, then went and huddled up next to Vince, who, somehow, had managed to find quite a good viewing position. Not that he cared, anyway. He would much rather be at home.

Lottie leant her head on Vince's shoulder. "New year, new start?"

Vince hugged her back. "I don't know if I can. How could it possibly get better? How do I live knowing he loves me but can't bring himself to be with me? It hurts too much."

"I know," Lottie said, looking up at him sympathetically. "But things _will _get better. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but they will, I promise you."

Vince doubted it, but as a voice came over the sound system to announce the countdown to midnight, he held her tighter and prepared to get ready to start the year all over again. A murmur of excitement swept through the crowd, people clinging to each other and bouncing about in anticipation. People got their plastic glasses of champagne at the ready, and then it began, the numbers projected onto the side of a large building across the river.

"_Ten, nine, eight, seven..."_

Vince felt Lottie let go of him for a second, then reattach herself and give him a comforting squeeze.

"_... six, five, four, three, two, one... HAPPY NEW YEAR!"_

Explosions tore through the sky, the London Eye lighting up in a blaze of colour. Vince turned round to face Lottie so he could give her a kiss, and only had time to widen his eyes in shock as he was pulled into a tight embrace, warm lips pressing against his, a hand cupping his face, thumb stroking his cheek. All around fireworks were exploding and people were singing 'Auld Lang Syne' at the top of their lungs. But all Vince could concentrate on was the mouth on his, moving gently, the tickle of a moustache against his upper lip. Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes, a sob getting stuck in his throat. He was glad of the arms around him, holding him up, because he was pretty sure that he would fall and melt away if they weren't there. The shouts and cheers from the ecstatic crowd grew dim, the noise of the fireworks fading until it was just them in that moment, holding each other, kissing, tongues moving over lips and meeting each other for a slow duel. Then all too soon, even though he wanted it to last forever, Vince gasped and pulled away, only slightly, only enough so he could whisper 'Howard' against his companions lips. Then he looked up, and sobbed as he met Howard's eyes, the bigger man looking down at him tearfully, his eyes sparkling with love and promise, and the regret of letting him go in the first place.

"You came back."

The way Vince said those three words, like he couldn't believe what he was seeing, like he was about to explode with happiness, like he wasn't sure if he was dreaming or not, made Howard's heart twinge. Those three words told Howard everything - what Vince had been through, what he was yearning for. Everything. All in a whisper.

"You – you're really here. You... Howard... Oh, God! I never thought I'd see you again! You came back!"

Howard smiled down at him, tears running down his face. "How could I not? I'm sorry, Vince. I'm so sorry I put you through all that, I don't -"

"Howard, it's okay -"

"No. No, it's not okay. I should never have... I was just so confused and I didn't understand. I..." Howard looked around him. The crowd was beginning to move, so he led Vince over to the river wall, out of the way. "Did Lottie tell you she came to see me just before you went home?"

Vince frowned slightly. "No."

"Well, she did. She was so angry with me, understandably. And she told me... God, Vince. She told me about what happened to you, that some man tried to... to..." Howard couldn't say it. "I was so angry, so upset that someone had tried to do that to you. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And Lottie told me you'd asked for me, that you wanted me there. And I should have been."

"But you didn't know then."

"That's not the point. After you'd gone home, I spent days thinking about how awful I'd been to you when you were here. I spent Christmas at my parents' house with my whole family, but there was a great big hole where you should have been. And I hated it. I couldn't stand it. When I got home I just kept running everything over and over in my head. What you'd said. What Lottie told me. And then there was this song, which I kept hearing _everywhere_ – what?"

Vince was smiling at Howard brightly, his eyes shining. "'About You Now'?"

"What?"

"The song."

Howard stood there thinking for a moment, looking like he was running the song over in his head. "I don't know what it was called, but yeah, that was in it."

"Playing at the most inappropriate times."

Howard laughed. He couldn't help it. "Yes!" He picked Vince up and spun him around once, before placing him back down again, keeping his arms around him. Vince was grinning from ear to ear, sniffing and crying. "Can you believe it? After everything you said to me, It was a bloody song that gave me the kick up the arse I needed? Everything fell into place. How could I blame you for what you had to do? How could I have just pushed you away like that? How could I have been so heartless?"

"Howard, none of that matters now," Vince said, seeing how Howard was working himself up into a state, the laughter gone.

"But it does. Since the day you left, I'd been hoping and praying that you'd one day come back to me. And when you did, I sent you straight back out the door. I was such a fool, Vince. People lose their loved ones every day with no hope of ever getting them back. But I had you right there, and I was too stupid and selfish to keep hold of you."

"No, Howard – you were never selfish. You were never stupid. What I told you was a huge deal. I knew you'd need time, but I just thought..."

Howard stroked Vince's cheek gently, the skin cold beneath his fingers. "And what you 'just thought' should have been true. And it will be, now, if you'll still have me? Because we've been through so much together, and we've known each other for so long, that we can handle anything, right?"

Vince nodded, too choked up to talk. So, instead, he reached up and pulled Howard in for a searing kiss. A few people wolf-whistled as they stumbled drunkenly past, and Vince couldn't help but giggle. The he looked up at Howard seriously.

"Howard?"

"Yeah?"

"What happens now?"

Howard hugged him tight. "I'll move back."

"Really? But what about your job? You've got a great job. And your house? It's a nice house!"

"Vince, I don't care about all that. I don't care where I am or what I'm doing, as long as I'm with you." He paused. "You still love me, then?"

"Of course I do," Vince said, leaning up and kissing the tip of Howard's nose.

"Good. I love you, too."

Vince shivered, and Howard noticed that his lips were going slightly blue. Frowning, he took Vince's hand and pulled him away from the river and across the road.

"Where are we going?"

"I'm taking you home – you're freezing."

"Howard?"

"Hmmm?"

"How did you know where I was?"

Howard looked at him sheepishly. "I, er, I arranged it with Lottie. She left me her card when she came to see me. That's why she spent so much time trying to persuade you to come out tonight."

Vince smiled, surprised, to say the least. "So, my boyfriend is a romantic. That's good to know."

Howard stopped walking, pulling Vince to a halt next to him. "Boyfriend?"

Vince instantly looked scared. "I-I just thought... I mean, I didn't..."

Ever so gently, Howard kissed him. "I like that."

Vince couldn't help but smile. "You bastard. Don't ever do that again."

"Sorry, Sweetheart."

"Ooh, I like that. Baby."

Howard shivered. "Please don't."

"Sorry, love."

"That's better."

They stood by the side of the road, huddled together, waiting for a taxi to pass that had its 'available' light on. Eventually, after about ten minutes, they managed to flag one down, and Vince, after giving the driver his address, fell straight to sleep in Howard's arms, the emotional exhaustion from the last couple of weeks finally catching up with him.

xxxx

When Vince woke up, blinking in the morning light, his eyes instantly met Howard's. He smiled, reaching a hand out and tracing the bigger man's face. 'I thought you'd just been a dream," he whispered.

Howard, who was propped up on his elbow on Vince's bed, smiled lovingly back at him, but said nothing. Instead, he moved closer and dropped his head down to kiss him. Vince sighed happily, a little moan escaping his mouth as the kiss deepened. His body tingled, a fire burning within him, and, suddenly, he couldn't get enough of the man hovering over him. Likewise, Howard seemed to be thinking along the same lines, and they were soon rolling about on the bed, kissing urgently, hands everywhere. Vince sat up on his knees and pulled Howard with him, tugging at his top. Howard lifted his arms, only breaking contact with Vince's lips so his top could be pulled over his head. Then they were on him again, everywhere; his lips, his face, his neck. Vince's t-shirt was pulled off, underwear was discarded, and very soon they were completely naked, kneeling up on the bed, facing each other and breathing heavily, their need and longing for each other more than obvious. Howard went to kiss Vince again, but paused when he saw he was trembling. He put his hand to his face, and tilted his head up gently so he was looking at him.

"What's wrong?" he asked, quietly.

Vince pushed his face further into Howard's hand. He was blushing, and Howard felt his heart melt at how beautiful he looked.

"I'm nervous."

Howard smiled softly. "Isn't that supposed to be my job?"

Vince peered up at him, his face going even redder. "I'm nervous because it's you, and I want it to be perfect. I want it to be perfect for _you_."

Howard, touched, wrapped his arms around Vince and pulled him as close as was possible, the sensation of skin on skin, warm and tingling, making them shiver. Howard put his mouth to Vince's ear, pressing a kiss to it before whispering, "It already is perfect." He held the smaller man tighter, rubbing his back gently as he continued to shake. For a while, they simply enjoyed the feel of each other.

"Howard?" Vince finally said, breaking the silence. His eyes were getting wet again, and he wondered if he was ever going to stop crying. Bursting into tears all the time was exhausting, but at the moment, he couldn't help it.

Howard looked at him, slightly worried when he saw the look on his face. "What's wrong, little man?"

Vince's voice quivered as he spoke. "Thank you for coming back to me."

"Oh, Vince. You don't have to thank me for anything. If anyone's going to be thanking someone, it should be me thanking you." Howard kissed him gently, making Vince shake even more.

"I want you."

They kissed again, passion building until they were gasping for breath, but unable to break away. Vince pushed Howard backwards until he was lying on top of him, kissing down his body, stopping just before he reached his erection. He looked up into Howard's eyes, seeing nothing but love and trust. The he bent his head down, kissing the tip of Howard's arousal. Howard moaned softly, getting louder the further in Vince took him, until he was completely surrounded by Vince's warm, wet mouth. On reflex, he thrust upwards, and buried his hands in Vince's hair, gasping as Vince's clever tongue swirled around him, his lips kissing and his mouth sucking. Howard had never felt anything like it in his life. Sensations he'd never imagined were buzzing through him like electricity. It was heaven. A heaven that he was quickly mourning the loss of when Vince stopped and moved himself back up Howard's body. But the mourning was soon replaced by an overwhelming adoration as Vince gazed down at him. Howard smiled and put a hand up to caress his cheek, losing himself in the deep blue of Vince's beautiful eyes.

"Okay?" Vince asked, pressing a kiss to the inside of Howard's palm.

Howard's smiled widened, and he pulled Vince down to him, kissing him deeply. He rolled them over, so he was on top, then removed his lips from Vince's and kissed down the side of his face, down his neck and along his collar bone. Vince mewled softly, his fingers digging into Howard's shoulder blades. Then Vince trembled slightly again, and Howard moved so they were face to face.

"Howard, make love to me."

Howard, who had been doing a good job so far of keeping it together, looked suddenly nervous. But it was what he wanted, more than anything. He just needed a little guidance. Bravely, he slid one hand down Vince's body, feeling goose-bumps rise under his touch, lower and lower until it ghosted over Vince's erection. Vince let out a soft gasp, and Howard wrapped his hand around him, exploring slowly, fingers caressing, thumb brushing over the head of Vince's penis. Vince began to writhe beneath him, Howard's name falling from his lips like a prayer.

Needing Howard flush against him, Vince moved his hands to the back of his neck and pressed gently. Howard, sensing what he wanted, lowered his head to kiss him. When he pulled away, he nuzzled Vince's cheek, then caught his eyes and whispered, "show me what to do."

Happily, Vince obliged, and soon it became very difficult for the two of them to keep themselves at a decent vocal level. Vince had almost forgotten what is was like to actually enjoy sex, and the sensations now running through him, caused by the touches from the only man he'd ever truly wanted, seemed brand new and unlike anything he'd ever experienced before. Howard might not have done this before, but to Vince, it seemed like it was his first time too, and he revelled in it. They were perfect together. They called out each others names and moaned and murmured sweet nothings and whispered I love yous until, eventually, satisfied and completely blissful, they lay together, drifting off into contentment, wrapped around each other so tight you couldn't tell where one ended and the other began.

Howard felt stupid for worrying. Worrying that it would be spoiled by him not being able to get the thought of Vince being with all those people out of his head, that he would look down at him and see everyone else. Because, when it had come down to it, the thought hadn't entered his head at all; it had just been him and Vince. Exactly as it was supposed to be. He sighed into Vince's hair, silently promising himself that he would do whatever it took to make up for the way he had treated him when Vince had come to see him. Hugging Vince closer, if that were possible, he fell into a deep sleep.

xxxx

"Afternoon," Vince said, stupidly huge smile plastered over his face as he walked into the kitchen. Lottie was sitting at the table drinking a cup of tea, clearly only just woken up herself. She grinned at him, watching as he went to re-boil the kettle.

"So, you pulled, then?"

Vince laughed, and went over to give her a hug. "Thank you, so much."

Lottie squeezed him back. "Anything for you. Hello, Howard."

Vince turned his head and saw Howard walking in, slightly dishevelled – which Vince found rather sexy – but looking very happy.

"Lottie," he said, smiling at her.

Lottie returned it genuinely. She liked Howard, even if he had, briefly, broken her friend's heart. She knew everything was going to be okay now.

Howard leant himself against the counter, holding his arms out as Vince went over to him, snuggling into his embrace. Howard kissed the top of his head, then looked up when he saw another man enter the kitchen. A man dressed in blue and red. Howard could feel Vince shaking slightly. Vince was trying extremely hard not to laugh, his hand hiding his mouth, and Howard had to bite his lip to stop himself joining in.

Lottie looked at Vince and Howard sheepishly.

"Hi, everyone. Happy new year." The man smiled rather awkwardly, then bent down to kiss Lottie's cheek. "Well, I guess I'd better be going," he said, fully aware that Vince and Howard were gawping at him. Lottie stood up.

"I'll walk you out."

As soon as they heard them leave the flat, Vince and Howard burst out laughing, and by the time Lottie had come back in, they were clutching their sides and practically crying.

Lottie tried her best to look annoyed, but gave up when even she couldn't fail to see the hilariousness of the situation. She laughed with them, blushing with embarrassment.

"Seriously, Lottie – Superman?!" Vince creased up again, leaning heavily against Howard, who was resting his chin on top of Vince's head and grinning into his hair.

"Yeah, yeah, all right. I got a little drunk after I left you and -"

"Got swept off your feet?"

"Oh, piss off," she said, ruining the effect of the words by being unable to wipe the smile from her face. She picked up her tea. "I'm going back to bed to try and rid get of this hangover. You two behave yourselves." She winked at them, then sauntered out of the kitchen as best she could with a headache and slight loss of dignity.

Vince turned in Howard's arms and smiled prettily at him. "So, what do you feel like doing?"

Howard thought for a moment, then said, "Well, I'd like to do what we did earlier again. But I'm also quite hungry. And I suppose maybe we should go and see Naboo and Bollo at some point."

"Mmmm. Well, I can manage the first one, but the second... I still can't really cook. I was just about to make tea, though, but if you want to eat - unless you want my speciality, beans on toast - I suggest going to the pub round the corner. And Naboo and Bollo can wait until tomorrow. Today is just about us."

"Sounds like a plan."

A plan which took a while to get too, because when Howard next kissed Vince, he couldn't pull himself away from him, so the kiss led to Vince being picked up, his legs going around Howard's waist, which led to Howard carrying him and stumbling towards the bedroom, which led to clothes being pulled off again, which then led to rather frantic lovemaking.

When they finally left the flat, it was starting to get dark. The sky was as clear as it had been the night before, the stars just beginning to come out. Vince looked up as he stood on the front steps, Howard hugging him from behind, his chin on Vince's shoulder.

"Okay, little man?"

Vince smiled softly. "Yeah. Happy new year, Howard."

Howard turned him around and kissed him softly. "Happy new year, Vince." Then he held his hand out. "Shall we?"

Vince beamed and took it, his own hand fitting into it perfectly, like they'd been made to go together, the missing pieces of a puzzle slotting into place.

New year, new start.


End file.
